Grammar Girl: Writing Concisely (Part 2)

I really wanted to figure out how to SHOW my students the power of writing concisely. So I told them about my Fiction class in college, the one during which I took my first real stabs at fiction writing. I wrote a story about my summer camp, a place that was special to me, and thought I'd written something fairly pretty. After reading it, my professor decided it would make a perfect exemplar for our upcoming class on writing concisely/word choice. He handed out a copy to every student and asked them to do just one thing: get rid of the words the story doesn't need. I thought this would mean maybe five or six words. But really it meant more like 50%.

I hated to show this example to my students, because the writing is horrifyingly bad. I really can't believe I thought so highly of this paragraph. I can't believe no one mocked me--I mean, I'm thankful no one did, but wow. But sharing it with students also (I hope) showed them the power and importance of critique for anyone who's serious about writing.

So this is the paragraph I started out with:

Swift walked through the mist of a late August summer morning. The lush green leaves of oaks, cedars, and poplars shifted gently in an infinitesimal breeze. Thick tufts of foliage hanging from forked branches twittered with the cacophony of cackling birds. Through small gaps in the forest canopy, lines of soft golden light filtered through, and slanted slivers of pale green and yellow cut through the air. Electric green moss crept around the roots and edges of the forest floor. It had rained the night before and the forest’s thick carpet of dead leaves was drying. Their crinkled white and brown spots gave off the acrid smell of wet mold and ancient stories. Swift’s feet pattered softly up the dusty path that wound through the forest like a creek would, babbling over small rocks and fallen branches. She walked without seeing; she could have closed her eyes and walked the path from memory. The putter of her feet was barely perceptible as she traversed the path that would lead her to the top of the valley. (176 words)

This is what the class did to it:

Swift walked through the mist of a late August summer morning. The lush green leaves of oaks, cedars, and poplars shifted gently in an infinitesimal breeze. Thick tufts of foliage hanging from forked branches twittered with the cacophony of cackling birds. Through small gaps in the forest canopy, lines of soft golden light filtered through, and slanted slivers of pale green and yellow cut through the air. Electric green moss crept around the roots and edges of the forest floor. It had rained the night before and the forest’s thick carpet of dead leaves was drying. Their crinkled white and brown spots gave off the acrid smell of wet mold and ancient stories. Swift’s feet pattered softly up the dusty path that wound through the forest like a creek would, babbling over small rocks and fallen branches. She walked without seeing; she could have closed her eyes and walked the path from memory. The putter of her feet was barely perceptible as she traversed the path that would lead her to the top of the valley. (176)

And this is what I ended up with:

Swift walked through the woods on a summer morning. Lines of soft light fell through the canopy, lighting up the path that stretched out in front her. It had rained the night before and the leaf carpet was drying. It gave off the acrid smell of wet mold and ancient stories. Swift’s feet pattered up the dusty path that wound up to the top of the valley. She walked without seeing; she could have closed her eyes and walked the path from memory. (80 words)

I was crushed by this exercise, of course. I thought the class was trying to kill all of my lovely description, all of my well-crafted alliteration. But looking back I know that was the most life-changing critique I ever recieved. Because my first paragraph was completely awful, and if they hadn't showed me why, I might never have understood what it means to write well. Writing well doesn't always mean pretty passages and lots of words: it means keeping the words that matter, and getting rid of those that are getting in the way of what you're really trying to say.

Grammar Girl: Writing Concisely (Part 1)

The most influential writing advice I ever got was also the most frustrating. That advice: "write concisely". I thought my professor was telling me to cut out all my lovely descriptive passages! killing my creative expression! and making my sentences short and lifeless! My students seemed to think so, too. But I made sure to point out to them that writing concisely isn't about brevity. What it is about is this: making every word count.

You know when you hang too many ornaments on your Christmas tree so that when you step back, you can't see the individual elements underneath all the holiday vomit? Some would argue you can get away with it on trees. But not so much in writing. Because too much of a good thing weakens your message, and inevitably the power of your voice is lost. Every word, every paragraph, every scene, every character needs to be adding something of value to your writing. Otherwise it's just beauty and grace hidden underneath a giant blob of tinsel.

Concise writing is something that you can flag-post in the editing process if you're paying attention. My students can usually pick out which sentences aren't "working" in terms of conciseness, but they struggle to pinpoint why. So here are some items that have helped my students (and me) do just that:

1. Let your subject and verb come closer together. Sometimes moving your actor/agent and your verb closer together (and closer to the beginning of your sentence) will help make your sentences more direct and your emphasis clearer. You see this a lot in the use of passive voice. For example:

"The zombie had its head cut off by me with a long sword." (13 words) Revised: "I cut the zombie's head off with my sword." (9 words)

2. Turn nouns into verbs. Often nominalisation (turning verbs into nouns) makes for weak, confusing sentence structure. Try turning them back into verbs. For example:

"The realization that I had cut off the zombie's head made for the actualization of my dreams." (17) Revised: "I realized that cutting off the zombie's head actualized my dreams." (11)

3. Take our empty words or phrases. This also includes implied knowledge. I can't tell you how many times I crossed "In my opinion", and "all things considered" out of students papers. You know why? Because it's implied. Those phrases add nothing to your sentences. They're tinsel fillers that are taking up precious real estate on your tree. For example:

"In my opinion, Barack Obama still kicks some major ass, all things considered." (13) Revised: "Barack Obama still kicks some major ass." (7 words)

4. Avoid cliches and jargon. Cliches have their place and, sometimes, they can be useful. But they're called cliches because they're tired. They make your reader think, "haven't I read this somewhere before?" Because they have--lots of times. Great if that's what you're going for. Not so good if you're going for 'fresh'. In my opinion, the only place jargon belongs is in political speeches. And it kind of sucks there, too. If you're writing to say what you mean and make that meaning clear, jargon is not your friend. Not in government documents. Not in specialist journals. Nope, not anywhere. For example:

"We continue to stand behind the pillars of democratic values as we look to lift the currency of foreign opinions and esteem." Revised: "... sorry, what?"

How To Plot Your Novel (H&S-style)

When I write stories, I don't often know how they end. Or how they middle, for that matter. All I have are specific scenes or characters, and everything I write sort of flows out of those. This method is not one that leads to stunningly-paced and coherent plot lines. My characters do weird things (sometimes twice) that don't make sense in the grander scheme of things. There are weird holes that I can't seem to figure out how to fill. But novels can be such big, unwieldy things. They make it hard to step back and see them simply and honestly. Enter the Health & Safety Spreadsheet.

My Manfriend helped me trial a new kind of plotting procedure. It's what he uses when doing an incident report in which he has to piece together what went wrong in a sequence of events. I'm not going to lie, I was skeptical. It sounded businesslike and un-fun. But I was told there would be colorful Post-its. And there were lots!

The green ones were for major plot details. The blue ones were for important emotions going on in the scene. The pink ones were for incidental happenings that couldn't be classified as 'major events'. I really can't tell you how helpful this process was. I'm pretty visual, so seeing my story laid out in its entirety let me see what was happening too soon, what wasn't happening at all, and what plot points needed strengthening. It helped me realize that some of my scenes were in there because... well, they were pretty. But they weren't serving a function, so off those Post-its came.

I'll definitely be using the Incident Report method again. Just add a bottle of red wine and you've got yourself a pretty fun little party.

Novel #2: Done!

We crazy creatives all have our rituals for when we reach a pivotal moment. In Stephen King's Misery, the writer's thing was Dom Perignon and a Cuban cigar. For me, it was champagne and brownies.

The pivotal moment being: I finally finished Novel #2! Which means I can stop calling it that and start calling it by its actual name: Torn.

I started Torn early in 2010. It's seen me through some rocky times, and has been a constant source of solace. It is my first book in which I tackled multiple viewpoints, which was challenging, but very fun. Of course, it's not really done. I've got a LOT of editing to do before I can do anything with it. But, 86,500 words later, I'm still in love with my characters and I still believe in what I've written. It's stuffed full of shape shifting, blood spilling, good looking people brooding, and a whole lot of public nudity.

And that, in my opinion, is worth some very decadent baked goods.

Mom and I used to make 'midnight brownies', an oh-so-bad-for-you mother/daughter bonding ritual that marked many a teenaged night. And, since I was celebrating, here, I decided to go for Peanut Butter Brownies.

And they were worth every thigh-jiggling bite.

Resolutions, Revised

Ah, resolutions. So easy to make, but they're also easy to lose in the yearly shuffle of other 'things we have to do'. I start my Januarys so full of conviction and intense, goal-oriented feelings, but I start to lose sight of that focus three or four months on. What better way to check in than to go over your New Years' goals and see if they need some tweaking to make them more achievable?

Here are the resolutions I made for 2011:

1. Finish a polished, (hopefully) publishable novel #2 and shop it around to agents.

I think I'm making reasonable progress on this one. I should be done with Torn (first draft) this month (a weekend cat lady-style shut-in may be required), and am hoping to have both Novel #1 and #2 in polished, look-at-me-I'm-pretty status by the second half of the year. As long as I'm not planning to do any agent shopping before Thanksgiving, this should be doable. I think.

2. Develop a professional website and start marketing my freelance writing & editing services.

This is still achievable (theoretically). If only I had the patience for learning WordPress/web design! I would like to be able to draw up my blog on paper and have it magically appear online. Isn't there an app for that?? It would be nice to get this one done this summer. We'll see.

3. Participate in a half-marathon or mini-triathlon.

Umm... I'm working on it? I did a 9km hike up a very steep mountain yesterday. But I suppose that doesn't quite count. Although it really should.

4. Write an adult fiction novel.

10,000 words written (last year), a whole lot left to go. This is going to be an Autumn project.

5. Find a place to nest and make it my own.

This one is not going well and I'm feeling impatient about it. But I'm confident that, if I make it a priority, my time will come for planting things and painting walls. I suppose this goal should read more like 'get a job that pays well enough that I can once again have my own place'.

6. Do some work with kids (maybe coaching or tutoring).

Tutoring is going well, although I wouldn't call my students kids (well, not all of them). Maybe it's time to look into coaching again. Although I've been doing some stellar babysitting these past few months (aka getting drooled on and loving it).

7. Go somewhere I have never been before and write a travel article about it.

I have no idea what kind of travel I'm going to get to do in the rest of this year. I may not make it much farther than the end of the train line... or I could make it halfway round the world. But I think I can certainly make this one happen. Maybe I can even write two articles... too much?

8. Help out wherever I can.*

I feel like I'm letting myself down on this one. I've started tipping at my favorite cafes (Australians don't do a lot of tipping), but that feels like a pretty lame drop in the ocean. Maybe I can combine the marathon running and the contributing to society at large? I love me some two-fers.

So... all in all, I'm still more or less on track. It's going to be a stretch to get all of the bigger writing goals done, but I'm always up for a challenge. I hope your goals and resolutions are still in your sight line!

Climbing and Campfires

I hated walking when I was a kid. You either ran there, or you didn't go at all. But I'm a big fan of walking now. Which is what I did this past weekend: I camped out and walked my way up Mount Warning.

Mount Warning is a two-hour drive into New South Wales. And as we discovered, there was a lot to see along our way. We kept seeing signs for a 'land bridge' that lured us to two different spots. One was a park with no land bridge-like things but a very pretty creek.

The other was the actual land bridge with a foaming waterfall raining through it.

And this is what I love about Australia: there was hardly anyone there. It was so easy to grab pictures without having to ask overweight guys in sweat-stained Hawaiian shirts to please move over a smidgen. Not that I don't love those guys: I just don't need a copy of their sweaty pits to keep for all eternity.

We camped out in the middle of a field, built a fire, ate sausages, and listened to our neighbors two tents over trying to play the harmonica. The weather was glorious and there were no bugs, which was nice, since they generally seem to have a thing for my flesh.

And then we got up semi-early and climbed the slightly ominous-looking. Mount Warning.

I know it doesn't look all that impressive, but that's just my photographic inability to capture the depth of this mountain behind the trees. Looking at it from the parking lot, it looked like the climb was going to be quite literally straight up. Captain Cook named it Mount Warning because it was so pointy and distinguishable from all the peaks around it that it was impossible to miss. But we sweated our way up it anyway, through through cool rainforest draped with spongy moss fingers and giant spouts of grass straight out of Honey I Shrunk The Kids. The last gasp was a craggy climb so steep that we had to use a fixed chain. Just when I thought my legs were going to call it a day two things happened: first, an unfit and very cranky-sounding woman came screeching down the maintain past us. She was a completely hysterical, swearing mess (much like I was on Mount Tibrogargan, aka the mountain that conquered me). And I couldn't help but laugh because... well, she wasn't in any danger, and I guess I'm just a little mean that way. Second, we were told that an eighty-year-old lady was enjoying her birthday at the summit. So it didn't take much longer for us to make it to the top.

Campfires, rainforests, and an excuse to eat salami and cheese sandwiches... this is the stuff like should be made of.

Grammar Girl: The Battle of its vs. it's vs. its'

(Update 10/26/11: for more grammar tips like this one, visit my editorial website at www.katejarmstrong.com)

To use it's or its or its': that is the question. And it's a question that commonly confuses many a would-be writer. This is the mistake I see most commonly and glaringly used in government documents, slide shows, and billboards, and one that is so small-seeming that it is frequently skipped over. But it's also a very easy rule to get on top of. Read on and I promise you'll never get it wrong again.

It's: This form is used exclusively as a contraction of 'it is' or 'it has'. When making contractions, the apostrophe takes the place of any missing letters (in this case, the 'i' in is and the 'ha' in has). That's it, folks: only use it's when you really mean it is or it has. Easy trick: read the sentence back to yourself, replacing it's with it is or it has. If the sentence no longer makes sense, you're using the wrong form.

Its: Usually, possessive pronouns are made using apostrophes, as in 'Sarah's boy toy' or 'the man's love of necrophilia'. But not with its. When you are making its possessive, you leave out the apostrophe: 'its weakness' or 'its pumpkin face'. Remember, the apostrophe-using it's is ONLY used when you mean it is or it has.

Its': Its' does not exist. We see it all the time, and we've probably all used it at some point, but there is no such thing as its'. So delete it from your memory bank.

Upcoming Book Release: Forever

I'm so, so, so excited for the upcoming release of Maggie Stiefvater's third and final book in her Wolves of Mercy Falls series. She's a bit of a YA literary hero of mine, and I've loved following her through her publishing process. One of the many reasons she's a favorite of mine is because she's ridiculously artsy. Artsy enough to put together stop-motion trailers for her books. This is the kind of thing I could see myself doing when I'm a published author (and a crazy cat lady).

http://www.fountainbookstore.com/autograph-maggie

Book Review: The Dark And Hollow Places

The Dark & Hollow Places, by Carrie Ryan, is a YA-classified dystopian thriller/romance and the third and final book in a series. (I reviewed the other two books here and here.) I've had a bit of a reading dry spell these past few weeks, so I was really excited to get my hands on this one.

Set in a post-apocalyptic world where zombies are not-so-slowly weeding out the living, Annah struggles to live by herself in the crumbling remains of what used to be New York City, waiting for her love to come back and find her. But when he comes back with her long-lost twin sister in tow, everything she'd hoped for is thrown asunder and she has to try and figure out if living is worth fighting for.

I loved this book for the same reason I liked the others: strong, lyrical writing, a heart-stopping pace, and taut love stories that have to survive in the face of absolute destruction. I also really liked that Annah is damaged (she fell into a pit of barbed wire that has left her significantly scarred) and self-conscious, but also incredibly strong. I loved getting to see the zombie issue from the eyes of Catcher, an equally-damaged Immune (having been bitten by zombies without being turned into one) who won't let anyone close to him. There's something about watching to human train wrecks colliding and finding a way to rescue each other that I find irresistibly enthralling and Ryan has done it beautifully here. There were some syrupy sermonizing moments that put me off in the first two, but they are few and far between in this installment.

Although Annah and her sister are 'protected' by their manfriends, they do a lot of kick-ass surviving all on their own. I like that, instead of having Catcher save Annah, Ryan lets Annah have the courage to fight and save herself. It's that terrified-girl-does-her-own-rescuing that helps to set this series apart.